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Internationally renowned porkist Bab El Hogwash was removed from the face of the earth early yesterday when a team of highly-trained, superbly-motivated, government-funded guerilla peccaries invaded his private accomodation in an obscure internationally-famous millionaire famers's playground.

In recognition of the demise of BEHT, we present here Chris Townson's thumbnail sketch of the deathless Bab el Hogwash. Today we mark his demise.

No matter how you look at it, today was a good day for the world's news media, and also pork, outlets. Upon invading the fastness of BEHTW's luxurious but monastic refuge, the extremely muscular and frankly very attractive peccaries (we told you about them in the previous paragraph, remember?) offered him the only choice that wild swine can understand, that of either being eaten or of eating himself. '

Oink BEHTWX bravely chose death by self-basting, wrapping his voluminous burnous around his neck and and leaping onto the flaming barbie with a ferocious cry of "More tea, Imam!

It transpired, as news of the international barbie incident broke internationally, that BEHTWXQ was domiciled in a luxury sty only six feet removed from the hindquarters of one of the world's leading pork disaster investigation experts Professor Brian Trubshaw. (He's coming up just now...) .

But anyway. You will agree, I'm sure, that if confronted with such a fearsome purveyor of juducial values and rectitude as our porcine friend here (left) you would be doubtless be prepared to jump unbidden upon the barbie for the good of the future of pork-kind. Well, it seems to me, anyway...

OK, Brian's coming up next. We continue with the historical analysis.


OK, eyes down for a full house.

Brian Trubshaw Remember Professor Trubshaw? He it was who turned to a second career after the catastrophic cancellation of the Concord programme following the disaster at the Paris Airshow of whenever it was. We mentioned him above. And now here he is. He never recovered from the catastrophic etc. etc. which we also discussed at some length above.

OK, he DID recover, with the help of lots of bacon sarnies, but it doesn't read so well and may be offensive to various parties. So let's scrub that bit.

Peccaries And so.

Farewell then. The 77th son of a litter of 78 piglets, BEHTWXQR's very invisibility was his main asset. We will never see his like again. Never again will there be a guerilla terrorist wild swine capable of dancing backwards while going "Ooo-hooo" in a high-pitched voice.

Never again will the People's Terrorist Princess bow low to embrace the world's weakest and humblest wild swine, and also get rid of mines simultaneously and also at the same time.

More pork, vicar? Never again will Her Royal Highness BEHTWXQRS don the glittering white glove of celebrity cooking to ensure worldwide access to bacon sandwiches for the global pork-deprived multitudes currently savagely confined to refugee camps in the depths of Gloucestershire, Rutland and other savage places far removed from humanity and civilisation and access to due process and hot sweet tea.

Find, fix and finish. No squirters here, I should say not.

Home (Note to online editor: continue in similar vein for 48 hours or until everyone has got so bored that they have blown themselves up in desperation. If all else fails, Alan Little will come up with something. Ed).


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