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God's on His Lunchbreak (Please Call Back)
- Fickle
- All-day Thinking
- Miracle Baby
- A Portion of Paradise
- Bad Light Stops Play
- The Captain of the Pinafore
- How Am I Doing So Far?
- Here Comes the Family
- Gimme Food
- God's on His Lunchbreak (Please Call Back)
- Too Many People (McCartney)
- The End of the Line
- Fags
Bless you, you're a sweetie you're a darling,
completely adorable but I'm not in love
Because I hate you you're awful, appallingly
boring – predictably that's why we're in love
I'm fickle, you're fickle, we're so fickle
the torrent of love is reduced to a trickle
whether horse and carriage or pony and trap
love's labour's lost now I want my money back
You're an angel, a sweetheart a deliciously sweetmeat-heart
you're scrumptious but I'm not in love
Because I hate you I wanna roast you
on a slow flame I wanna toast you to a cinder
That's why we're in love
I'm fickle, you're fickle, we're so fickle
the cut and thrust's no more than a tickle
on leaving the love train mind the gap
well, I changed my mind now I want my money back
Fickle is as fickle does
I wanna kiss you all over I wanna roll you in the clover
I wanna fuss you but I'm not in love
I cannot bear to be near you to see you or hear you
predictably that's why we're in love
I'm fickle, you're fickle, we're so fickle
it's why we find ourselves in a pickle
I once considered a different tack
then I changed my mind now I want my money back
Fickle is what we all are
fickle near or fickle far
fickle on or fickle off
Bless you, you're a cutie you're tooty, you're fruity
full of calories but I'm not in love
Though you play to the gallery while spending my salary
predictably that's why we're in love
I drink therefore I am, a normal working man
with thoughts of schism and post modernism
concealed wherever I can conceal 'em
I think therefore I can't drink
two thoughts bring me to the brink
though I appreciate what the nanny state
has done to obviate too much thinking
Thinking about the power of all-day thinking's
enough to drive you to drink
if you take your average existentialist
out for a night, he won't drink
When normal folks have finally thought their way to bed
is frankly just that moment when I need another red
(mine's a large one)
I drink therefore I don't think cos a nod's as good as a wink
if you catch my drift… can you give us a lift?
I've got to get to the cashpoint
Thinking about the power of all-day thinking's
enough to drive you to drink
you can lead your quadruped to the water
but you can't make him think
With a trusty pint in your favourite place
at the corner of the bar
and the human race looks a lot more agreeable
than it really are
Thinking about the hours of wasted drinking –
days just lost in thought;
twenty-four hours of
non-stop thinking? Well, only if the drinks
have been bought (I got the last lot)
The thought of having to think without even having a drink
it's ok for a day but you know what they say –
well, if you insist - I think I'll join you
Thinking 'bout the power of
all-day thinking's enough to drive you to drink
if you take your average existentialist
out for a night – he won't drink
Forget the all day thinking that provides the justification
for this otherwise sensible nation to take total leave of its senses
man the barricades and defences
For God's sake
keep on drinking
for Christ's sake
don't start thinking
She got a miracle baby
oh, she don't need sex
it came direct from God
she don't even have an ex
well, she just woke up and
baby, there it was –
maybe the daddy was
the wizard of Oz
Well, it's a miracle baby,
it's a miracle!
maybe it came from Mars
in a vehicle
created by a higher intelligence
well, it's a miracle, baby,
and that's where the money went…
Maybe the geezer with the facial hair
sitting on a cloud in the air up there
had a finger in the pie
if you know what I mean –
now there's an odd-toed ungulate
living in her jeans…
Well it's a miracle baby,
it's a miracle!
or maybe it's an extra terrestrial
that nobody wants
cos it's hysterical
well, it's a miracle, baby,
and that's where the money went…
I heard it on the news
I thought get one too
cos my friends all said it was
the thing to do;
well, the DNA test
came back negative
it must be a miracle
the men of cloth said it
really really really really is
maybe the thing was
a terrible mistake
just a naughty vicar
or a primate on the make
maybe it really was
no gift from God
but if I take it back now
it's gonna look a little odd
Well it's a miracle baby,
it's a miracle!
its rate of growth was phenomenal
just two weeks till delivery
well, it's a miracle, baby,
and that's where the money went…
From behind the fridge
appeared the one she loved the most
– he was all dressed up
just like the Holy Ghost
he had the sandwich of cheese
with the face of the Lord
which finally convinced her
it was all above board
Well it's a miracle baby,
it's a miracle!
maybe it came from Mars
in a vehicle
created by a higher intelligence
well, it's a miracle baby,
and that's where the money went…
Miracle baby,
it's a miracle!
or maybe it's an extra terrestrial
that nobody wants cos
it's hysterical
well, it's a miracle, baby,
and that's where the money went…
Miracle baby,
it's a miracle
its rate of growth was phenomenal
just two weeks till delivery
well, it's a miracle baby,
and that's where the money went…
The day is sunny and
the forecast's fine
my broker mailed –
I've got too much money
the palms are green
and the skies are fair
and my steak's done rare
and my eggs ain't runny
my stocks are rising,
there are no clouds on my horizon
A portion of paradise
welcome to nirvana
a slice of utopia
with gratis bananas
a portion of paradise
where the locals are charmers
there's no formality,
we all wear pyjamas
The skies are clear
and the natives say
that today's the day
big Phil is coming
with gifts of fridges
and microwaves
and such perennial faves
as shoes for running,
greenback dollars,
Paul Smith coats
with fine mink collars
A portion of paradise
welcome to nirvana
a slice of utopia
with gratis bananas
it's a non-cash economy,
it's strictly just barter
there's no formality
we all wear pyjamas
Fish, bananas, old pyjamas
Well, my days were finite
in the world outside
with fiscal trouble
and domestic worry –
now I'm living
at a leisurely pace
I've left the human race
to be reduced to rubble
inflation doubles –
I like to live
in my tropical bubble
A portion of paradise
welcome to nirvana
a slice of utopia
with gratis bananas
a portion of paradise
to polish up your karma
there's no formality we all wear pyjamas
A portion of paradise
you can grow your own dope here
there's no contraception
(they've never heard
of the Pope here)
the otherwise impossible
is money for old rope here
move out the locals
and we're left with Utopia
It's a long walk
back to the pavilion
it's the final end
to an arduous day
it's a long, long, long, long way
Bad light stops play
pack up the bails
put the wickets away
no more play for today
bad light stopped play
The end of the day brings
a pause to activity
and the walk from the crease
takes an age to achieve
it's a long, long, long, long way
Bad light stops play
light rain keeps the
punters away
no play resuming today
bad light stopped play
Short break for all who need it
there's no conclusion,
we'll have to concede it
the umpire has spoken
we all have to heed it
bad light stopped play
The umpire declares
that the match is unwinnable
and long stop has gone
to his mum's for his tea
it's a long, long, long, long way
Bad light stopped play
protagonists already under way
benefit goes to
those who got paid
bad light stops play
Bad light stopped play
final ball bowled another day
deciding game to be delayed
Bad light stops play
Bad light stops play
No further action,
no reason to stay
final verdict? well, who can say…
Bad light stops play
The Captain of the Pinafore (Gilbert & Sullivan)
My gallant crew good morning
(sir – good morning)
I hope you're all quite well
(quite well and you sir?)
I am in reasonable health
and happy
to meet you all once more
(you do us proud, sir)
Then give three cheers
and one cheer more
for the hardy captain
of the Pinafore!
then give three cheers
and one cheer more,
for the captain of the Pinafore!
I am the captain of the Pinafore!
(and a right good captain, too!)
you're very, very good,
and be it understood,
I command a right good crew
(we're very, very good and
be it understood,
he commands a right good crew)
Though related to a peer,
I can hand reef and steer,
and ship a salvagee
I am never known to quail
at the fury of a gale,
and I'm never, never sick at sea!
What, never? No, never
What, never? Well, hardly ever
he's hardly ever sick at sea!
Then give three cheers
and one cheer more,
for the hardy captain
of the Pinafore!
then give three cheers,
and one cheer more,
for the captain of the Pinafore!
I do my best to satisfy you all
(and with you we're quite content)
you're exceedingly polite,
and I think it only right
to return the compliment.
(we're exceedingly polite,
and he thinks it's only right
to return the compliment)
Bad language or abuse,
I never, never use,
whatever the emergency;
though “bother it” I may
occasionally say,
I never use a big, big D
What, never? No, never!
What, never? No, never!
What, never? Well, hardly ever!
Hardly ever swears a big, big D
Then give three cheers,
and one cheer more,
for the well-bred captain
of the Pinafore!
Then give three cheers,
and one cheer more,
for the captain of the Pinafore!
You know me,
I've got the gift of the gab
I'm a downright charmer,
I'm a bit of a lad
the ladies they love it
ooh, a nice bit of rough
they're gagging for it
they can't get enough
How'm I doing so far?
are you impressed
how'm I doing so far?
forget the rest
how'm I doing so far?
baby I'm the best
forget the blah blah blah
and tell me
how'm I doing so far?
Oh hello matey,
how's it going, you alright?
who was that bird
you was wiv last night?
that was no bird, chummy,
that was my wife
I swear to you,
God's honest truth,
I swear on my life
How'm I doing so far?
have you got a light?
how'm I doing so far?
you looking for a fight
how'm I doing so far?
baby I'm the best
forget the blah blah blah
and tell me
how'm I doing so far?
Well I'm the chav with the bling
I'm the dude with the dosh
I'm the bloke who gets the bill
when you've all had a nosh
you've had your trotters
in my trough and now
the door is ajar
so my question to you is
how am I doing so far
How'm I doing so far?
you looking at my bird?
how'm I doing so far?
(you heard…)
how'm I doing so far?
baby I'm the best
forget the blah blah blah
and tell me
how'm I doing so far?
Here comes a head
and another then three
then the dam that
retains the flood
breaks it's banks
it's the family
how fine to see
you again we all say
it's been so long but that's wrong
it's only been about a week
Here comes the family
oh lord, it's gonna be
almost the death of me
it's the family, oh the family
Here comes the family
the wave washes over me
I'm drowning in family
it's the family, oh the family
Well here we are,
what's the plan for today?
that's ok – we all say
“it's so nice just to get away”
don't make a fuss,
or worry about us
we're ok, we'll find our way
we won't be late
let's eat at eight
Here comes the family
oh lord, it's gonna be
almost the death of me
it's the family, God, the family
Here come de family
Now do we have everybody,
everyone?
or did we leave some behind?
that would be a lot of fun
oh, what a hoot!
you've been so very kind
and it's clear that we'll be here
many times every year
Here comes the family
oh lord, it's gonna be
almost the death of me
it's the family, oh the family
Here comes the family
the wave washes over me
I'm drowning in family
Here come de family
Well I'm so famished, baby,
I could eat a horse
preceded by a pony with a sheep
as second course
well I'm so ravenous,
I don't mean to be rude
but I've had enough romance,
baby, give me the food!
Gimme food
I wanna eat up all your food
I could eat it with my clothes on
or eat it in the nude
not sure about propriety
I don't care if it's crude
but I just wanna eat up
all your food
My doctor gave due warning,
said I'm gonna be obese (uh huh)
I told him I would never ever
never ever cease
he said if I continue then
I'll get some heart disease
I said just let me finish off
this burger with cheese
Gimme food
gimme extra fat and triple MSG
that's the magic combination
that does it for me
I can't bend over to tie my shoes
but I still wanna eat up
all your food
My clothes are getting smaller
and my waist is getting big
my pals are always busy
I'm as fat as a pig
but the rumours going round
I do declare are only lies
that the way into my heart
is through a plateful of fries
Gimme food
I'm gonna open up
a shiny new diner
food will be served
in a black bin liner
if I don't get some calories
I'm gonna come unglued
I just wanna eat up all your food
Gimme me food
I'm gonna set up as a
fast food trader
the future's looking good
for new potatoes
I'll trade you one big Mac
for a gallon of crude
I just wanna eat up all your food
Gimme me food
it doesn't take a great
feat of deduction
to see that the solution
is liposuction
don't you wave that lettuce,
it will put me in a mood
I just wanna eat up all your food
God's On His Lunchbreak (Please Call Back)
Not another uprising in the Gaza Strip
Oh, do leave it out! He's trying to have a kip!
Civil unrest in the Golan Heights?
What about an angel, or a man in tights?
Or how about a envoy, a yeoman of the Lord
to do a spot of smiting with his divine sword
he'll sort you out, no problem squire,
with a couple of plagues and some heavenly fire
My God it's a liberty the things they do
they say they got a hot line straight to you
“God, we got a problem… when shall we attack?”
“God's on his lunchbreak, please call back”
God's on his lunchbreak please call back
God needs a lie-down too it won't take a minute
cos it's only a snack thank God we got fast food
Now I got a question, got a query for God
I hope he don't mind, it might sound a little odd
“Are you really the Messiah? If not, then who?”
“In due course, we'll get back to you”
I'm not so sure that he's the saviour after all
He don't really do much, in fact bugger all
I know he's got the clothes, got the beard and the hat
but he's not the kind of bloke who knows a caliph from a cat
Please God help us, deliver us from fear
“For Christ's sake, just tell 'em I'm not here”
“Lord, we need guidance, we're on the wrong track”
“God's on his lunchbreak, please call back”
God's on his lunchbreak please call back
God needs a lie-down too It won't take a minute
cos it's only a snack thank God we got fast food
Smiting's all right, with the angelic squad
doing wrath by proxy on behalf of God
but with new technology there's no respite
they even get you up in the middle of the night!
I tell you, it's relentless, they don't half go on
”Lord we want an atomic bomb…We don't want to stage
a major production but at least we wanna weapon of
mass destruction!”
God's on his lunchbreak please call back
God needs a lie-down too
it won't take a minute cos it's only a snack
thank God we got fast food
God's on his lunchbreak please call back
God needs some time out too
God's busy for a minute with a snack attack
thank God we got fast food
Woooooo!
Too many people going underground
Too many reaching for a piece of cake
Too many people pulled and pushed around
Too many waiting for that lucky break
That was your first mistake,
You took your lucky break and broke it in two
Now what can be done for you?
You broke it in two
Too many people sharing party lines
Too many people ever sleeping late
Too many people paying parking fines
Too many hundred people losing weight
That was your first mistake
You took your lucky break and broke it in two
Now what can be done for you?
You broke it in two
Too many people preaching practices,
Don't let 'em tell you what you wanna be
Too many people holding back
This is crazy, and baby, it's not like me
That was your last mistake,
I find my love awake and waiting to be
Now what can be done for you?
She's waiting for me
Well, the world has gone to the dogs
to the Nips, to the Krauts and the Frogs
Oh, the dykes are leaking and the timber's creaking
In a week we'll all be in clogs
It's the end of the line, we go no further than
the end of the line – attention please
it's the end of the line, don't forget your baggage, dear
all change here, we're at the end of the line
Oh, the country's gone to the Spics
to the Polaks, the Huns and the Micks
the economy shrinks and the high street stinks
we've got a week till we're in a fix
It's the end of the line, we go no further than
the end of the line – attention please
it's the end of the line, don't forget your baggage, dear
all change here, we're at the end of the line
We're heading into the drink just as soon as you think
when are the Taffs and the Goons and the Flems and Walloons
gonna push us over the brink?
It's the end of the line…
It's the end of the line, we go no further than
the end of the line – attention please
it's the end of the line, don't forget your baggage, dear
all change here, we're at the end of the line
I hate fags
I wanna get ahead
a ready-rubbed shag
then you wake up dead
I hate fags
sucking up the air
oily rags
fucking everywhere
I hate 'em
I hate fags
everybody does
sod the left wing
quick, call the fuzz
Fags
I hate fags
well it's what you do
what's your problem
you want one too?
they've all been in here, mate
we've had 'em all
sod the fucking future
it's backs to the wall
I hate 'em
I fucking hate 'em
I don't like fags
how do you rate 'em?
fags are a drag
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