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- Pop Goes Bang
- What Would Jesus Drive?
- Mirror Mirror
- He Was the Best
- Am I Alone? (Gilbert/Sullivan)
- A Policeman's Lot is Not a Happy One (Gilbert/Sullivan)
- No Offers At All
- Don't Do As I Do Do
- Hey Bulldog(Lennon/McCartney)
- My Dog's Got No Nose
- Less and Less on Earth
- Just Say Wee
- No More Limbo
- Witch Came First
- It's a Wonderful Life
Prepubescent children and dancing queens
heading for retirement as they leave their teens,
jubilant winners and distraught losers,
absolute beginners and experienced cruisers
Devoid of content, stuffed full of style,
this one is never gonna miss by a mile.
Pop goes bang, we've landed at the bottom,
it's a journey that began at the very very top.
Will we just keep going down and never ever stop?
Well, it's back to the beginning as bang goes pop.
New York London Paris Munich - nobody's talking about pop music.
Artfully dishevelled and carefully rough,
soft on the outside, inside fluff.
Thoughtfully designed so's you can't see through it,
step right up anybody can do it
as they frequently do cos there they are,
there's no escaping no matter how far
you travel to avoid their greasy clutches,
there's no avoiding their thrusting crutches.
Pop goes bang, we've landed at the bottom,
it's a journey that began at the very very top
Tell me, will this awful racket never ever stop?
It's back to the beginning as bang goes pop.
Let's go to zero, Year of Zero.
Hoodies and trainers and gangsta rappers,
as in touch with reality as Thirties flappers.
Sing a song of something, don't care what,
OK if there's a subject but better if not.
Instant celebrity is calling you,
the lowliest cliché will always do.
Sod veracity, who cares if it's true
cos they love it and we love you.
Pop goes bang, we've landed at the bottom,
it's a journey that began at the very very top.
Will we just keep going down and never ever stop?
Well, it's back to the beginning as bang goes, bang goes.
Pop goes bang, we've landed at the bottom,
it's a journey that began at the very very top.
Tell me, will this awful racket never ever stop?
It's back to the beginning as bang goes pop.
What would Jesus drive?
And where would Bambi sit?
If they had a fatal accident,
would they walk away from it?
But really, what would Jesus drive?
I never got technology,
but what I think, if you're asking me,
is Jesus drives an SUV.
So it's off to work we go,
with the tools of the trade stuffed in the back
loaves of bread and cheese and fish
and, in case of floods, a plastic mac.
What would Jesus drive?
And where would Bambi sit?
If they had a fatal accident,
would they walk away from it?
But really, what would Jesus drive?
I never got technology.
To tow his pals when they get stuck,
Jesus drives a pick-up trick.
Heavenly choir goes in the back,
and let's have no complaining.
What's that cherubic noise I hear?
Perhaps the sump needs draining.
No hotrod for the Son of God
What would Jesus drive?
And where would Bambi sit?
If they had a fatal accident,
would they walk away from it?
But really, what would Jesus drive?
With a modicum of vanity
well, it plays hell with his toupee
but Jesus drives a red coupé.
What would Jesus drive?
And where would Bambi sit?
If they had a fatal accident,
would they walk away from it?
But really, what would Jesus drive?
Recapturing his wasted youth
I hope it's not a Danish joke
that Jesus drives a Minimoke.
No hotrod for the Son of God.
Who's the fairest of them all?
Well, the answer has to be...
Who's the fairest of them all?
With candour and transparency,
I'll tell you who's the fairest,
and it's clear for all to see that,
following reflection - well, I have to answer 'me'.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror mirror, it's clear to see that the answer must be me.
Who is the fairest of them all?
I cannot tell a lie.
Who is the fairest of them all?
I cannot help but wonder why,
of all the clever people,
I most delight in me...
Mine is the only voice I hear and the only face I see.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror mirror, it's clear to see that the answer must be me.
It must be me.
Look at me, I'm wonderful,
I'm the greatest that I've seen.
Look at me, I'm marvellous,
life's better than it's ever been.
Who is the fairest of them?
Well, the answer that I see
is, to be frank, and I must be,
cos my best friend is me.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror mirror, it's clear to see that the answer must be me.
It must be me.
He was defining.
He was a genius
not social climbing
and nor abstemious
His was a large one
or so they all say
every weekend,
and every other day.
Yes. He was the best.
Better than the rest (the rest were a mess).
Oh no. Why did he go?
Why has he left? Cos he was the best.
He was a hero,
and he could run a bit.
Give him a foopball
and he would kick it.
Now he has left us
for foopball heaven
his team's a man short
(should be eleven)
Yes. He was the best.
Better than the rest (the rest were a mess).
Oh no. Why did he go?
Why has he left? Cos he was the best.
Yes. He was the best.
He loved the ball
(and all the rest).
Oh no. Why did he go?
Why has he left?
Cos he was the best.
The best. The best. The best. The best. The best.
Am I Alone? (Gilbert/Sullivan)
Am I alone and unobserved? I am! Then let me own - I'm an aesthetic sham!
This air severe is but a mere veneer!
This cynic smile is but a wile of guile!
This costume chaste is but good taste misplaced!
Let me confess!
A languid love for lilies does not blight me!
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me!
I do not care for lefty greens by any means.
I do not long for all one sees that's Japanese.
I am not fond of uttering platitudes in stained-glass attitudes.
In short, my sensibility's affectation, born of a morbid love of admiration!
A Policeman's Lot is Not a Happy One
(Gilbert/Sullivan)
When a felon's not engaged in his employment,
or maturing his felonious little plans...
His capacity for innocent enjoyment
is just as great as any honest man's.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother,
when constabulary duty's to be done.
Ah, take one consideration with another - a policeman's lot is not an 'appy one.
When constabulary duty's to be done, to be done,
a policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
When the enterprising burglar's not a-burgling,
when the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime
he loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling
and listen to the merry village chime.
When the coster's finished jumping on his mother,
he loves to lie a-basking in the sun.
Ah, take one consideration with another
a policeman's lot is not an 'appy one.
When constabulary duty's to be done, to be done,
a policeman's lot is not a happy one, happy one.
Slowly, surely, madness descended.
The age of bargains I thought had ended:
housewives clutching their hard-earned cash,
criminals concealing their illegal stash.
The exit signs were correctly displayed
and just as fresh as the day that they were made,
as the wave of shoppers burst through the barricade.
But only the financially fittest could be saved.
There won't be any more offers, there'll be no offers at all.
No cash flowing in the coffers, no, no offers at all.
How did I get here? (I don't know).
Did I hike here? Did I leave my bike here?
"The scenes of naked greed were unnerving"
said an eye witness in a self-serving
apologia for what he had done;
he took three sofas where he should have took one.
There won't be any more offers, there'll be no offers at all.
For the sake of measly coppers - there's apocalypse in the food hall!
How did I get here? (I don't know)
Can I get a light here? Did I spend the night here?
There won't be any more offers, there'll be no offers at all.
No cash flowing in the coffers, no, no offers at all.
How did I get here? (I don't know).
Did I hike here? Did I leave my bike here?
The size of the problem that was presented was
equal in scope to the numbers who were tempted
by the special offers, it was twice as nice;
everything would have been cheap at half the price.
There won't be any more offers, there'll be no offers at all.
No cash flowing in the coffers, no, no offers at all.
How did I get here? (I don't know).
Did I hike here? Did I leave my bike here?
There won't be any more offers, there'll be no offers at all.
For the sake of measly coppers - there's apocalypse in the food hall!
How did I get here? (I don't know)
Can I get a light here? Did I spend the night here?
Don't do as I do, do as I say .
Take my advice, young man,
and see a better day.
Look at me, I'm more fabulous
every single day,
just don't do as I do, do do as I say .
Don't do as I do, do as I say.
If you don't take my advice, young man,
then you won't get this way.
Yes, I'm a maiden's dream, I'm guaranteed
to satisfy in every way,
just don't do as I do, do as I say .
Don't do as I do, do as I don't do as I do
if this makes sense to you, young man,
then it don't take much to get through to you...
Look at me, I'm fabulous in every single way
just don't do as I do do, do as I say.
Don't do as I do do as I don't do as I do do as I don't do etc.
Hey Bulldog (Lennon/McCartney)
Sheep dog standing in the rain,
bullfrog doing it again.
Some kind of happiness is measured out in miles.
What makes you think you're something special when you smile?
Childlike, no one understands.
Jack-knife in your sweaty hands.
Some kind of innocence is measured out in years,
You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears.
You can talk to me, you can talk to me,
you can talk to me. If you're lonely, you can talk to me.
Big man walking in the park.
Wigwam frightened of the dark.
Some kind of solitude is measured out in you
You think you know it, but you haven't got a clue.
You can talk to me, you can talk to me, you can talk to me.
If you're lonely, you can talk to me.
Hey, hey, hey bulldog.
Another instant celebrity
pours out its salient views,
its love life and activities
take first slot on the news.
I wish they'd put a sock in it, a sock in it today.
So here's to another game show, as the Lord looks on with mirth.
Well, I hope there's sense in the universe cos there's less and less on earth.
Some singer will save the world
by using his back catalogue.
He's ending famine and poverty,
it's easy as falling off logs.
I wish he'd put a sock in it, a sock in it today.
So here's to TV cookery as the Lord looks on with mirth.
Oh, I hope there's sense in the universe cos there's less and less on earth.
You can lead your horse to the water, but you can't make him drink.
You can lead your horse to the water, but you can't make him think.
I wish he'd put a sock in it, a sock in it today.
So here's to more celebrities as the Lord looks on with mirth.
I hope there's sense in the universe cos there's less and less on earth.
So here's to more celebrities as the Lord looks on with mirth.
I hope there's sense in the universe cos there's less and less on earth.
So here's to receding reality as the Lord looks on with mirth.
I hope there's sense in the universe cos there's less and less on earth.
There's less sense, there's no sense, just nonsense.
Noo monjons oon baggette.
Ecootons oon cassette.
Voolez voo dansay se soir?
Oo couchez avec moi?
Ooh la la, may say gron!
Say vray, ill ay tray tray gron!
Oo la la, may too playsant!
Tro pour moi et pour ma tante!
Wa la, mon dew, bon jaw, bon wee.
Say bon, ay pwee - dee donk, sherry!
Je pons ay donk je crois je swee.
Je say je swee, ay donk say wee!
Nous foo may cigarettes, ay pwee mal a la tete.
Pwee je pron oon bier ay je swee tray fier.
Pwee je pron encore oon,
ay je swee sous la table avec la plume de ma tante.
Oo la la, say incroyable!
Wa la, mon dew, bon jaw, bon wee.
Say bon, ay pwee - dee donk, sherry!
Je pons ay donk je crois je swee.
Je say je swee, ay donk say wee !
Just say wee!
Disay mwa, si voo play,
common tally voo today?
Mwah je swee extra bon, ay jespair too aim this song.
Grass a dew, say complet.
Oo la la, may setay shwet!
Mantenon Noo somm pray –
say fini for today.
Wa la, mon dew, bon jaw, bon wee.
Say bon, ay pwee - dee donk, sherry!
Je pons ay donk je crois je swee.
Je say je swee, ay donk say wee! Just say wee!
Where do we all go when there's no more limbo?
I see Peter with arms akimbo.
He's got a face like thunder,
and it's no wonder cos he knows as well,
now we go straight to Hell.
Every sin has its sell-by date,
all you gotta do is wait
(should be used before the Lord is returning).
Sit around a millennium,
play some cards, chew some gum –
tedious, but preferable to burning.
Where do we all go when there's no more limbo?
I see Peter with arms akimbo.
He's got a face like thunder,
and it's no wonder cos he knows as well,
now we go straight to Hell.
For the unbaptised and the late-to-rise,
but not for major offenders.
No genocide but maybe occasional benders
The new boy says "yes, a great mistake,
but the error never was Papal.
Cover it please with a leaf of fig or of maple".
Well, I just dropped in to
see what condition
my condition was in.
It's now much later
but I'm still none the wiser
about the trouble I'm in.
Now there's no more clarity,
our sins are assessed by a panel.
They designed a horse
but it came out a camel.
So heaven knows what's happening –
fill 'er up with holy grace!
Fingers crossed it's better than
the other place.
Where do we all go when there's no more limbo?
I see Peter with arms akimbo.
He's got a face like thunder,
and it's no wonder
cos he knows as well,
now we go straight to Hell.
You're a sierra tango uniform papa india delta person.
A bravo india tango charlie hotel type who leaves me cursing.
Trapped on the back foot, I've been attacked by reality:
I'm gonna rethink my argument about causality.
Chicken or egg? Discussion will rage for eternity,
Witch came first, Witch is worst. The only way I'm leaving here is in a hearse.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. Quick, bring the screens and a buxom nurse.
I'm a whisky alpha november kilo echo romeo cos I fell for it
A charlie oscar november delta oscar mike, well I should have worn it,
She's gone mad again, sanity's on holiday.
Sense, good manners and courtesy called in sick today.
Rational thought downed tools in demand of better pay.
Witch came first, witch is worst.As bad as you imagine, I can tell you that it's worse.
Witch came first, witch is worst. Communication's increasingly terse.
You're an alpha whisky foxtrot uniform lima bore and that's for certain.
A victor echo romeo yankee delta uniform lima lima person.
The genre's mammalian but avian flu's got a role in it.
I wouldn't be shocked if I found that your bucket had a hole in it.
I'd take an early bath if I could but you keep your coal in it.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. The only way I'm leaving here is in a hearse.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. Quick, bring the screens and a buxom nurse.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. I'm scrabbling for coppers at the bottom of my purse.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. It must be an ancient Indonesian curse.
Witch came first, Witch is worst. Am I condemned forever to speak in verse?
Witch came first, witch is worst. Can I ever break free or will I die first?
Which Witch, which Witch, Witch came first!
My boats are moored on the Med,
lovelies recline on my bed –
and to rejuvenate my karma,
I call my pal Dalai Lama.
I see something nice and I buy it
without even wanting to try it,
and later on (but the same day),
I'll most probably throw it away.
So come on, come on, come on in.
Come on, come on, come on in.
Around me are my works of art.
My people are terribly smart.
My fortune is indestructible
cos everything is deductible.
I'm friends with the rich and the famous
(the famously ignoramus).
Consumption is why I exist
(consumption and getting pissed).
So come on, come on, come on in.
Come on, come on, come on in.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, life.
Come on in, it's a wonderful life.
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