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- Elephantasy
- Houston We Gotta Drinking Problem
- On and On
- 21st Century Blues
- Come Out Come Out Whoever You Are
- I Feel Fine
- If Boys Could Talk and Girls Could Think
- Talulah Does the Hula From Hawaii
- Shoot the Women First
- Panama
- Incognito Ergo Sum
- I Have a Chav
- Interesting Times
- Passionate About Your Elevator
- I'm Budgie (Don't Fly Me)
- You Can't See Me
Elephantasy
Shes so fat, so terribly fat
But that's ok cos I like ‘em like that
She's of enormous worth and similar girth
She came to me in an elephantasy
You should see her fat behind
People stare but I don't mind
My life is hanging on her wads of plastic
Baby, you're elephantastic!
She looks so fine
As far as it goes
It blows my mind when she blows her nose
It's not so hard
So hard to see
That you and me should start an elephamily!
Elephabulous
Elephallacy
Elephamily
Elephactual
Elephictional
Elephavourite
Elephemeral
Elepyhsical
Elephollowing
Elephocussing
Elephortunate
Elephumbling
Houston We Gotta Drinking Problem
The cosmos is unfolding as I'm peering through the window
My feet up on the dashboard as the world is turning below
The cockpit's spinning and I can't see straight
I don't know what time it is cos I'm in a state
I gotta get a drink but it might be too late
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
If we get the right stuff we can get the job done
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
The cosmic pub is closing and i've gotta get a drink in
But the only spirit that I find here is yuri gagarin
I firmly believe that i've got the right stuff
The only problem is that I haven't got enough
I told mission control but they've gone off in a huff
We're getting to the end of the stock of rum
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
Our beards are straggly our flies are undone
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
It's on the front pages, it's official, we's a hero
But I'd be happier drinking a beer-o
We've been a long way (it's much further than you think)
I can't concentrate, now I gotta get a drink
It's been three weeks and I think I'm on the brink
Mission control can you please come in
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
That's a fifth of scotch and a bottle of gin
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
Nasa will co-ordinate a welcoming band
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
But I just wanna sychronise my mouth and my hand
Come in houston please we gotta drinking problem
A drinking problem
A drinking problem
A drinking problem
We can't get enough
On and On
She's been talking all night
Well that's all right
I know it's good to unwind
But she don't stop
Once again from the top
Well I'll skip this if you don't mind
Soon she's gotta put a sock in it
Cos it's my turn for the floor
But I see that there's no stopping it
So I'm heading out of the door
She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
And she's still going
The monologue's flowing
Somebody send in the army
She's gotta stop soon
We need Ban Ki-Moon
To stem this verbal tsunami
Soon she's gotta put a sock in it
She's gotta take a moment to breath
This is my opportunity
And I'll take it, I'm gonna leave
She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Now she sits for a little bit
And you think she's got to the end of it
But no she's back on her feet again
It goes on and on and on and on
She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on
Come Out Come Out Whoever You Are
Oh God he's my saviour
My God do me a favour
He deals in disease and catastrophes
And plagues of flies and frogs
If you ask me he really is most odd
Pestilence, calamities, oh he's a miserable sod
And by the way he claims his name is God
Come out come out whoever you are
My God whoever you are
Whether sitting on your ass or
Reclining in a car
Come out whoever you
Out whoever you are
His agents scurry about in a hurry
‘step this way to be saved'
But he don't worry about how he's represented
Monks and mullahs and
Bat chain pullers
From the cradle to the grave
If that's the best he can do
He must be demented
Come out come out whoever you are
My God whoever you are
Whether sitting on your ass or
Reclining in a car
Come out whoever you
Out whoever you are
Oh God he's my saviour
My God do me a favour
Come out whoever you are
21st century blues
21st century blues
Creditors snapping aimlessly at my shoes
If you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose
21st century blues
If we survive it, I'm taking a cruise
I won't be back till the turn of the century
Celebrity magazines tell me things will improve
It's confirmed by my horoscope, it all makes sense to me
21st century blues
They got no strategies I can use
I want stupidity, tell me where do I queue?
21st century blues
If we survive it, don't tell me the news
I'll be snug in my box with the lid closed behind me
Got so many choices that I just can't chose
The future's so bright it's gonna blind me
21st century blues
Do you gotta euro or two you can't use
I'm down to my last pair of wearable trews
21st century blues
If Boys Could Talk and Girls Could Think
If boys would giggle and provocatively wink
If boys wore tutus and tights of shocking pink
They could float diaphanously round the skating rink
Oh it's not so stupid as you might think
If boys could talk and girls could think
I'd have a wiggle in my walk
And you would buy another drink
While I'd be cooking or chained to the sink
Oh if boys could talk and girls could think
A preference for blue or a penchant for pink
Not so straight but developing a kink
Girls would learn to love guitars instead of rinky-dink
Oh it's not so stupid as you might think
If boys could talk and girls could think
I'd have a wiggle in my walk
And you would buy another drink
While I'd be cooking or chained to the sink
Oh if boys could talk and girls could think
Anthropologists might find the missing link
And it might prove cheaper than
Going to the shrink
If boys could talk and girls could think
It just might pull us all back from the brink
Just consider it before you make a stink
Oh if boys could talk and girls could think
If boys could talk and girls could think
I'd have a wiggle in my walk
And you would buy another drink
While I'd be cooking or chained to the sink
Oh if boys could talk and girls could think
I Feel Fine (Lennon/McCartney)
Baby's good to me, you know
She's happy as can be, you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
Baby says she's mine, you know
She tells me all the time, you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
I'm so glad that she's my little girl
She's so glad, she's telling all the world
That her baby buys her things, you know
He buys her diamond rings, you know
She said so
She's in love with me and I feel fine,
Baby says she's mine, you know
She tells me all the time, you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
I'm so glad that she's my little girl
She's so glad, she's telling all the world
I'm in love with her and I feel…
Shoot the Women First
She pulls the legs off flies
She makes small children cry
She teases bankers till they smart
Frequently the horse precedes the cart
I don't mean to be rude
Believe me I'm no prude
But when I hear the things they say
I wonder why their men let ‘em out today
Shoot the women first
Shoot the short ones shoot the tall ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the big ones shoot the small ones
She's not got much to say
And what she's got anyway
Don't make sense
No matter how you look at it
And when she opens her mouth
It's an awful racket
I think she's disturbed
Even for a bird
She lives just for food and dosh
In a bad sketch by hieronymus bosch
Shoot the women first
Shoot the bright ones shoot the dim ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the pleasant and the grim ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the hot ones shoot the cold ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the young ones and the old ones
The atmosphere is tense
The insight's not immense
I rather wish I had stayed indoors
Nice to meet you but the pleasure's all yours
Shoot the women first
Shoot the good ones shoot the bad ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the sane ones then the mad ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the rich ones and the poor ones
Shoot the women first
Shoot the cooked ones and the raw ones
Talulah Does the Hula From Hawaii
Talalula does the hula from Hawaii
But she couldn't really tell you why
Talulah does the hula in the playground
All her friends just point
And make her cry
Talulah does the hula in the high street
Her folks were clearly
As mad as they come
Talulah does the hula in the hallway
And now her folks have
Finally come undone
Talulah Talulah Talulah does the hula
Talulah Talulah the judge took her away
Talulah Talulah Taluliuliulah
Her folks they won't see her again
For ever and a day
Talulah has a sister called Urine
And they have a friend called Ima Pigg
They'd all play with Porcelain Latrine
The fun they had was Verre Verre Bigg
Talulah thought one day
She should take action
She went into the town and did complain
She found a suitably empowered faction
- she'll never see her folks again
Talulah Talulah Talulah does the hula
Talulah Talulah the judge took her away
Talulah Talulah Taluliuliulah
Her folks they won't see her again
For ever and a day
Julia Caesar
Crystal Chanda Lear
The only thing that's worse
Than being dead
Might be, possibly, on the face of it
If you end up with a name like Shi'thead
So let this be a warning to all parents
Who find themselves drawn inexplicably
To names like Xerox Shandy Lemonjello
Or Male, Female or Usnavee
With Innocent Bistander or Frogmella
You may feel that you're raising the bar
The chances are that
You'll end up behind 'em
Remember please the tale of Talulah
Talulah Talulah Talalula does the hula
Talulah Talulah the judge took her away
Talulah Talulah Taluliuliulah
Her folks they won't see her again
For ever and a day
Talulah Talulah Talulah did the hula
Talulah Talulah she's happy with her lot
Talulah Talulah Taluliuliulah
Finally she got her way
Now she does the gavotte
Incognito Ergo Sum
I saw you in the papers
Or was it on the news
A friend once intimated
Your dentist knew Tom Cruise
Cogito ergo sum
I think therefore I am
Incognito ergo somebody else
I do the best I can
I saw you on the late show
You'd just arrived in town
I could not hear you talking
I had the volume down
Cogito ergo sum
I think therefore I am
Incognito ergo somebody else
You do the best you can
Incognito the price of fame
Nobody knows you
Nobody came
Incognito
We've talked enough about you
Let's talk about me
Celebrities arriving?
Move cos I can't see
Cogito ergo sum
I think therefore I am
Incognito ergo somebody else
We do the best we can
Cogito ergo sum
Do you know who I am
Incognito ergo somebody else
I do the best I can
Panama
Panama is looking best by far
Things'll be grooving when I'll be moving
To Panama
Panama (he's a cheeky one)
Is looking best by far (a sneaky peeky one)
There‘s no taxing just relaxing
In Panama
To create a new identity for you and me in a foreign land
I set off with map and compass
All this rumpus was unplanned
It‘s got out of hand
Panama (a new identity)
Is looking best by far (for you and for me)
I'll bet you that I'll find a new hat
In Panama
Panama (paddling away)
Is looking best by far (it's another day)
It'll be plain sailing when we're in hailing
Distance of Panama
Get a new life
I don't need a new wife
I'll keep the same name
I don't need a new map
I'll get a nice house
A new car, I'll get a new hat
When I find Panama
I said goodbye to the house and car
It's not so far, I'll just keep paddling
Let's turn left at the alligator
There's the equator that I'll soon be straddling
If I just keep paddling
Panama
Is looking best by far
Panama
Is looking best by far
Panama
Is looking best by far
Panama
Is looking best by far
It could be easier
I got amnesia
I got in my canoe
The best that I could do
Haven't got a leg
To stand on so I'll beg
Bottom of the class
What a total arse
Interesting Times
Bang goes the gong - seconds out as the bout begins
Well, let's get on with it
Darwin says here's one that'll never win
Survival of the fit
Logorhythms are beyond your ken
I explained ‘em once I ain't doing it again
Ask an intellectual out to dine
My, we all live in interesting times
Your vision is driven by tabloids and TV
So why not take a guess
You think big brother is real reality
Send an SMS
Pie charts and diagrams by Gantt
Dismissed by you as complete can't
Ask an intellectual out to dine
My, we all live in interesting times
You'll never complete quadratic equations
You won't be the toast of the United Nations
You'll never solve the mystery of pi
Bye bye baby baby bye bye
Led by the nose by celebrity magazines
(the world needs people who...)
True life horoscopes anti-aging creams
(are as credulous as you)
Future forecasts and back projections
Babe, you're looking in the wrong direction
Ask an intellectual out to dine
My, we all live in interesting times
I could offer you a calculator
To figure out if you leave now or later
Ask an intellectual out to dine
My, we all live in interesting times
I Have a Chav
I don't know if it's one chain or it's two
The topography of trevor don't gimme a clue
Flat-tops hoods or baggies
Choices must be made
Do we Nike or Adidas
Well, opinions must be weighed
I have a chav
It follows me around
I have a chav
Keeps my feet on the ground
The pot-bellied pig has clearly had its day
Replaced by a midget moose from mandalay
Well suited for a high rise
You can poke ‘em with a pen
To get them to go into the lift
But you won't get em out again
I have a chav
It follows me around
I have a chav
Keeps my feet on the ground
Can you take it
Please don't break it
Can you bear it
Please don't wear it
Lubricate it
Then sedate it
Bring a chav home for tea
Well I'm out with my mates
And now we're chilling
We'll have a bit of a laugh
And later a killing
We're tooled up we've all got knives
Our days are all the same
Our nights are as tedious as our lives
But society is to blame
I have a chav
It follows me around
I have a chav
Keeps my feet on the ground
I'm Budgie (Don't Fly Me)
Flight attendant trolley dolly
Buckle up give us your lolly
All we want from you is all your cash
Sod the comfort sod the pleasure
Fly now later comes the leisure
That's always assuming we don't crash
Buy my scratch card and become a millionaire
Hire a combi from our partner rental
Tasty soups and snacks always available
For purchase to prevent you going mental
I'm budgie don't fly me
I'm budge cor blimey
We're not budging till you pay
I'm budgie don't fly me
I'm budge cor blimey
We'll just wait here for another day
Line up here sir now please show me
Our id cos this one's phony
Is yours a kamikaze family
Are you sufficiently observant
Was this packed by your manservant
You look rather dodgy sir to me
Over here love
Open up let's have a look
I need to see just what you've got inside
Have you ever been in trouble
With the law?
Did you ever commit suicide?
I asked her nice - where are my bags?
She says that she's not gottem
When Orville Wright invented flight
Someone should have shot him
I'm budgie don't fly me
I'm budge cor blimey
We're not budging till you pay
I'm budgie don't fly me
I'm budge cor blimey
We'll just wait here for another day
I'm budgie don't try me
I'm budgie we're not budging
Passionate About Your Elevator
Certificates of inspection
Line her lobby, wall to wall
Sheikhs and potentates - she's seen one
She's seen ‘em all
She functions just as well as
On the day that she was laid
She's regularly scrutinised
By the board of trade
If you love her or you hate her
No matter how you rate her
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
One day we'll be married
I'll gain access to her shaft
The plans will have been finalised and no longer in draft
We'll celebrate the union
By painting the town pink
And then we'll follow up
With a non-alcoholic drink
Whether it's sooner or it's later
One day I'm gonna date her
And then she'll see I'm passionate about her elevator
I would fight a tiger
I would fight an alligator
I would take up residence in a pit (or crater)
I would walk upon my hands the length of the equator
To make her see I'm passionate about her elevator
Her fitting-out was supervised
By Ognemas Luap-Turner
She was late in starting but then
She was a quick learner
She's been inspected from the top
Right down to the bottom
And if you want the details I can tell you
Just who's got ‘em
I want no advice from mater
And I want none from pater
One day she'll see I'm passionate about her elevator
If you love her or you hate her
No matter how you rate her
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
She's gonna see I'm passionate about her elevator
You Can't See Me
It's only me
I'm very small
Please take no notice
Of me at all
You can't see me
I'm not very tall
I take up no space
No space at all
You can't see me
You can't see
I make no sound
No sound at all
Please don't catch me
As I fall
It's only me
I'm very small
Please take no notice
Of me at all
You can't see me
You can't see
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